I can’t tell you how much I needed to have her in my life this week, and how much she has influenced it – even in the last hour and a half that I’ve sat in bed watching her interview with Caitlin Moran from 2015.
In the first week that I started the Booteatox, I went from 9.3 to just under 9 stone at 8.13 and a quarter – or something. And I was so thrilled because ‘yay, I lost weight, how wonderful!’ and Gary was all, ‘but you look the exact same?’ and I was all ‘fuck you, you can’t ruin this wonderful achievement for me, how skinny am I? lalala’…
But my attitude throughout the week towards what I was doing was changing and is still changing and I’m suddenly very unsure about what I’m doing or why. What am I dieting for? Who am I dieting for? Is it for me? Because I’m so thoroughly frustrated by how much my weight and appearance has taken over my life that after my 3lb loss last week, I went out on Friday night with Gary’s family – the first night out that I’ve had in months where I drank and ate loads and had a ball – I stood up on the scales this morning only to find that I’m back up at 9.3 again. And I don’t even care.
My best friend tagged me in a post on Facebook last week that pretty much slated Slimming World and how it works. She tagged me in it because she agrees with the fact that its rules are bizarre and while she also used to follow Slimming World, she has since stopped and now eats healthy without feeling guilty about what good foods she puts in her body. For those of you who know what SW is about, I’m sure you can at least agree that its methods are somewhat questionable. ‘I have to syn my mashed up banana but I can have as much diet coke, rice, potato and pasta as I want?’ Okayy…
Basically, Slimming World is fundamentally about weight-loss. It doesn’t matter if coconut oil is healthy for you, the fats in it are still fat and that’s not okay. It doesn’t matter if drinking sweetened diet drinks are really fucking bad for you, because there’s nothing fattening about them, so have at it. Thinking of joining the gym? Bad idea. Weight gain is your enemy, even if the activity is bloody good for you and will actually make you feel and look great in the long run! How did you lose that 2lb this week, Sharon? Oh, you stuck your fingers down your throat and got back up that packet of biscuits you scoffed? Well, a loss is a loss – keep up the good work!
Am I making a point here? Because I feel like I am.
I’m really glad that post was sent to me because I think it put the nail in the coffin for me and SW. I think we have finally reached the end of our difficult relationship. I’m grateful that it helped me lose the weight, I am. And yes, it does work, there’s no denying it. But as for maintaining your weight-loss once you get to where you want to be? Well, it’s not for me. I’m done feeling guilty about being a pound or two up here
and there, and feeling ecstatic when I see it disappear again. Your body is going to change. You have to live your life and preferably, you should do that guilt-free. There are other ways – healthier ways – that you can look after yourself. In the end, my 3lb loss was done by eating healthy, but I didn’t follow SW at all. I just looked after myself. And when I ate salads, I didn’t count the syns in the coleslaw. And instead of those fizzy drinks, I just drank water. Simple.
As for my 3lb weigh GAIN this weekend? It’s mostly bloat, I know it is and I’m not worried. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed the night, the company, the drinks and the food. I hope when I look back on it, I don’t remember crying the next day because of what the fucking scales say. I didn’t cry. I shrugged it off. That’s the real fucking victory for me. In the year and a half since I first joined SW, I don’t think I ever shrugged off a weight gain. This 3lb gain doesn’t define me. Neither would a 10lb or 20lb gain.
AS FOR LENA DUNHAM
Please. All she taught me to do this morning was bloody embrace myself. I literally spent the hour and a half watching the interview and nodding like an idiot in agreement with everything she had to say about everything she had to say! The woman is a God. My body confidence is out today and I have her to thank for it.
In all in anyways… Being overweight is not healthy, but ‘fad dieting’ and obsessing over your weight isn’t healthy either. My body is a fantastic tool that can do so many things. I’m so happy to have one in such good working order. It has ten toes and ten fingers, it can see colour and hear music and it can run and dance and bend and stretch! And while I’d like to look after it, I’d also like to look after my mind. How my mind sees my body is so important. How I see myself is so important. Body dysmorphia is a thing and it’s bloody scary. But body and mind going hand in hand sounds pretty good to me. Rant over!